A Terrible Inconvenience

Who even updates this anymore?

Anyone?

I think not...

talk about not updating in a while...
well im going to india this summer on a missions trip with a few different churches, which should be pretty neat...
everything is going kinda down lately and i try to hide it behind this smile but, i feel like everyone can see my pain, but no one cares...

Silence has held me For far to long Suffering has embraced me With open arms I’ve fallen far from grace Still searching for that one small place Where words are true when I was with you Feelings of ecstasy Filling the deepest parts of me Your eyes filled with such passion Your heart filled with such love And memories of me with you Seeping through the cracks My heart it aches With each breath you take Take my hand and lead me on But don’t lead me on To thinking you are what you’re not And what you were I’ve forgot

Christmas makes me feel so lonely...
Everyone giving out presents...
I never get one...
Not even a card...

Well, things are getting better than they used to be.
But things change so quickly around here.
I'm glad i have friends who call to talk, (ian, fiora).
It's nice to know people care for/about you.
11 days till Christmas, and im not very excited...
maybe because it's not a very happy holiday for me.
Hopefully this year will be different. :/
Who knows....

Im in that place between wakfullness and dreams, between light and dark, betweenthe known and unknown, between happiness and sadness.
I dont know what to do, i cant get out, im trapped in a room full of open doors. The wall are closing in, its getting hard to breathe, all i ever really wanted was just to leave. Lend me your hand im falling to deep. Shine down your light, for i cannot see. My hearts grown weary, my breath ever so faint.
Im in that place between wakfullness and dreams... i dont know whether or not to stay in bed or get up and try to livefor the God i so whole heartedly long to serve...
Can you help me? I doubt it...but its nice to know you care.

Current Mood: depressed

This song is so kewl...i love it, its been on my brain for a while now.
Things this week have been going horribly and i dont see them getting any better...
I started doing something i dont wanna do (that i used to do) and its really hard for me to handle.
I need help, i decided...Fiora, Ian, and Stephanie seemed to be the only ones who responded to that.
No one else really seems to care...

Looking back at me I see
That I never really got it right
I never stopped to think of you
I'm always wrapped up in
Things I cannnot win
You are the antidote that gets me by
Something strong
Like a drug that gets me high

What I really meant to say
Is I'm sorry for the way I am
I never meant to be so cold to you

And I'm sorry about all the lies
Maybe in a different light
You could see me stand on my own again
Cause now i can see
You were the antidote that got me by
Something strong like a drug that got me high
I never meant to be so cold

I never really wanted you to see
The screwed up side of me that I keep
Locked inside of me so deep
It always seems to get to me
I never really wanted you to go
So many things you should have known
I guess for me theres just no hope
I never meant to be so cold

Well i talked to you on the phone the other day and you informed me that your e-mail was being a major idiot, so i thought i'd take the time to write you a little note in here since no one but you reads these anyways...
How are you? I'm glad we talk as much as we do, you really help me through a lot of things. Not to mention...i have to talk to you soon...as in not later. I think my mom is gonna let me come visit you soon, so that should be some fun!! Well, im gonna go i'll talk at ya later chic...
Love... ashton

Ok so my family's tight on money right now, and i havent been able to eat lunch at school for the past 2 weeks cuz my mom cant afford to give me money...So my friend Stephanie Morgan is making my lunch every day this week because she loves me...isnt that sweet?
Anywhose...things at school are going better, im getting pretty good grades (3 a's and 5 b's)...
There is so much going on in my head right now, i cant think about any one thing for more then 2 seconds without something new popping into my head. I've been thinking a lot lately about something and im not sure why its always on my mind, but it is and im hopeing its for a certain reason...if not...something is really wrong with me...
:) ... :( ... ;) ... = "lately the weather has been so bi-polar, and consequently so have i..."

Current Mood: curious
Current Music: Relient K

i cant sleep...
dont know why...
i feel all weird inside...
nervous
yet
not...
and yet im content...
awkward?

your asure me im a little more than useless....
so yea i have a crush on this guy...
i told him...
now i feel like a complete idiot...
but i feel a lot better now that i got it off my chest...
and things arent weird so its all good...

...anticipation

i'm sorry i haven't updated in a while
i'm sorry you have to read these
i'm sorry people are mean sometimes
i'm sorry if i make you feel alone sometimes
i'm sorry i say stupid things
i'm sorry if i hurt your feelings
i'm sorry if i make you cry
i'm sorry i dont listen sometimes
i'm sorry i talk to much
i'm sorry for making this entry
but i'm not sorry for the way i am

Hello…
I’m writing you to let you know
I’m lying naked on the floor
With my head propped on the door
I’m writing you to let you know
The blood flows without end
For I’ve screwed up once again
I’m writing you to let you know
My breath is growing weak
These words are hard to speak
I’m writing you to let you know
My mask is off I’ve come undone
My fingers on this gun
I’m writing you to let you know
That I am reaching out
But in you I have my doubts
I’m writing you to let you know
It’s you I want to care
But you’re not even there
I’m writing you to let you know
This is my goodbye

Current Mood: crushed

ok...ian has convinced me that im DEF not the only one feeling the way i am. i feel like my life has no meaning to it...i started out wanting to live for Jesus, and dont get me wrong i still do but i am not doing anything to show this. i want people to be able to look at me and know that God has truely blessed my life and the people around me by how i act, and what i say. its so hard for me to get up in the morning and know i will be in the same routine over and over again. i wanna start over, wipe off the slate. i wanna leave the house and know i didnt forget anything, i wanna go to sleep andknow i can wake up happy, i wanna go to church and not feel like i need forgivness. im falling back into my same old pattern of cutting again, and i cant seem to stop. i need help...seriously!! i talked to my youth leader about it but the only thing he tells me is "you need to talk to somebody" hello...im talking to you! why dont people understand that this isnt something i can just stop, i need to vent, i need someone who wants to listen to my problems, someone who really cares. ive been reading my bible and things just seem to be getting harder than i ever thought they could get. i need another way to deal with things...and suggestions? well im leaveing it at that cuz i have no more to say to people who dont read or seem to care about my livejournal....

Current Mood: depressed

I LOVE RELIENT K!!! OH MAN THEIR CD RELEASE PARTY CONCERT WAS SO AMAZING!!! MY MOM GOT ME TICKETS TO GO AND I WAS IN THE FRONT IN THE MIDDLE WITH PEOPLE I DONT KNOW RUBBING ON MY AND PUSHING AND SCREAMING AND SWEATING AND I LOVED IT!!! I WAS 6 FEET AWAY FROM RELIENT K AND I ALMOST CRIED, THEY WERE AWESOME AND IT WAS THE BEST BIRTHDAY PRESENT EVER!!! I LOVE MY MOM!!!

Ok seriously...where's the sun??
It'd be nice to see some light everyonce and a while...maybe...please...
It's so hard to get up when you know there's nothing to look forward to, it's kinda like... whats the point in sleeping when you know you'll walke up tired...whats the point in eating when you know you'll still be hungry...whats the point in breathing if your poisining your body...whats the point in talking when no one wants to listen??
Just a few things on my mind today...
Work is sucking sooo bad, i hate it!!!
People are sucking so bad...
School is sucking so bad...
Everything is sucking so bad...

But I'm sure you knew that...

oh man....yea i have no comments to make...nothing going that great or that bad for that matter...

This week is, in one word... "ugh!". It's rainy, cold, and windy. It's weeks like this i NEED to see the sun...I seem to get depressed, lonely, and anxious for someone or something to wake me up from this hoarish (a vocab word from english today *heh*) nightmare of a week. I constantly find myself in the same place i left it only after i'd been wandering for hours looking for it. Sometimes i just wanna be alone, and sometimes i want people to ask how my days was (just because they care) sometimes i want people who i havent talked to in a while just to say hi, sometimes i wanna just be able to take a nap when i feel tired and know that im not forgeting to do anything. Well im a tad overwelmed at the moment so im gonna go...


Oh!! I almost forgot...last weekend my youth group went on a retreat to "black rock youth retreat center". A lot of kids went and we had a blast. Friday night we had worship (me, hope and nate) then watched "radio" beacsue we can!! Saturday we broke up into groups and had thie STUPID scavenger hunt...my group lost *lol*. The food was really good too!! That night we had Bridget speak about how we can relate to God and she told her life story. They had an "alter call" and a lot of people came up front to be prayed for, i prayed for sarah sourborn, and billy, and hope, and tim, and too many people to name and i didnt even cry...but then all the sudden out of no where i broke down in tears, i had to go sit down away from everyone else and my friend hunter gave me a huge hug and praye for me right there (he never prays out loud) and i felt totally blessed like my burdens had been lifted off of me! This kid Ryan is like so convinced that God is ghay and that the aliens made him...well...me and qwanisha praye for him and by sunday afternoon he was saying how much of a great time he had and that we should do these retreats more often!! I was so excited to see that he was making progress!! well im out...ttyl